Reflections upon a death

My close friends know that this past Thursday night, heaven gained an amazing angel.  My sister Theresa passed peacefully away in her sleep with my other sister and her daughter holding her hands.  I know she is up in heaven dancing with her husband who is singing “American Pie”.  My brother-in-law passed away way to young in 1995 from a sudden brain aneurysm.   He loved to call my mom “mom” and tease and pester her.  I know my mom will be relieved to have her daughter back.  My mom’s family loved to sing and laugh and I am sure they all welcomed her with open arms.

Normally, I am the one who immediately goes to social media to share happenings in my life often asking for support, but I wasn’t ready to share this event quite yet.  I didn’t feel it was the right time and I wanted to reflect upon her death and the events since the middle of October because they really made reflect back upon that God has his own time and plan for everything.

My sister is one of the strongest, resilient women I have ever known.  She has been through so many difficult times in her life from the death of her husband, raising three small children on her own, a horrible car accident that landed her in a halo for six months still while the children were young, moving to a new area and leaving a support system of friends behind, dealing with financial issues as a result of her husband’s death and the longest, toughest battled of lung cancer for the past five years.  What I have learned from her is how to face adversity head on and search for ways to overcome barriers.

In 2013 when T was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Her original diagnosis was for only 15-18 months. She was determined to beat that time frame and lived much longer than her doctors ever expected. When she was first diagnosed, my sister B and I went down to help. I stayed close to a month, my sister B stayed longer.  This wasn’t the first time my sister B and I have had to spring into action for our family. We make a good team in that she is the caregiver, I am the logistics, legal, financial person. Our first order of business was to get my sister’s legal documents in order in that her youngest L was under 18. We learned that in Florida, an out of state guardian cannot be appointed once a person passed. In that both my sister B and I and my sister T’s middle child all lived out of state, it was urgent to get her legal documents in order so that L would not enter into the state system if something were to happen while he was under 18.

In hindsight, getting those legal documents in order was critical in being able to take care of T when she wasn’t able to take care of herself.  Reflection – No matter how intimidating it may seem, EVERY person should have basic estate planning documents in place.  I don’t know how many times we had to pull out the Durable Financial Power of Attorney to be able to act on my sister’s behalf when she couldn’t.  The documents also detailed what she wished would happen after she were to pass away. No guessing, we knew her wishes.  I have always known this importance in that I have been a law firm administrator for many years and have been blessed to have our estate planning documents done when the children were born.  If you live in Ohio or Kentucky, please read up on the necessity of estate planning documents on my good friend George Zamary’s website www.zamarylaw.com.  But not only read about estate planning, CALL to schedule an appointment to get your documents done before something happens.  When the time comes and you have questions, if you have already built a relationship with an attorney, they will be there for you.  Often attorneys get have a bad reputation, but many are really good people and will be there for you during difficult times.

In October of 2018, T had an episode where she was very confused and went to the hospital.  We realized at this point, she could no longer live by herself in Florida and none of us were in the position to be able to stay with her for extended amounts of time.  With very careful conversations, we convinced her to move home to Pburg to be near family.  She wasn’t thrilled about leaving the warm climate but knew it was the best decision to make.  Again the family sprang into action. Daughters E & S came to help downsize and get her ready to move to sister B’s house.  We knew this wouldn’t be a long term solution, but we would at least get her to the area and start in with doctors up there.  All the doctors were wonderful and were quick to help in that they were also my mother’s doctors when she had cancer. Sister B and her husband D took on a great challenge and opened their house to her, I often ask myself would anyone else have done it?  I offered, but I no other family lives near me, so it was decided her house was the best option.  My father lived in the same town so he would be able to spend time with his daughter and I still have two brothers and many nieces/nephews in the area. Reflection – If it at all possible live within driving distance of family.  You never know when something might happen and when distance will be a barrier to care for a loved one.

The middle of November a good friend of mine, P,  joined me on a very long drive to Florida and back the next day.  I don’t know how I would have survived that long drive without her. I also don’t know how in the world we got so much stuff in my car including my BIL J’s ashes. P has a great perspective on life and I learned so much about her.  She was also wonderful with Sister T, encouraging her that she was doing the right thing.  God put friend P in my life for a reason.   I enjoyed reminiscing with sister T on the long journey home.   Hubby J finished up the drive to Pburg the next day for which I was thankful he took on the last leg of the journey.  I was sure sister T enjoyed the different conversation.  Reflection – God puts individuals in your life for a reason, often you do not know why, but trust him, it will be revealed.

The past few weeks are like a blur. We started noticing a slow degrade in energy and stamina in sister T and all of a sudden the week before Christmas when she was able to see her youngest graduate from college, things took a sudden turn for the worse. The CAT scan showed an issue around her heart and asked that she get in for an echo ASAP. At the echo that same week, they sent her immediately to the hospital.  Upon further testing, we were told that she has a tumor on her heart that is at the junction with the pulmonary artery.  Two surgeons refused to operate, the radiation oncologist had only had two patients in this situation – one turned out ok, the other resulted in immediate death.  I am thankful that sister B, niece E and I were able to be there to support sister T in her decision to not pursue anymore treatment and go to hospice.  Sister T was able to make the decision herself and I am thankful no one had to live with the guilt of making the decision for her.

We moved sister T to hospice the Saturday before Christmas.  I could tell it was quite a shock for her and the realization of this is where she was going to pass away was hard to handle.  We were able to make arrangements to get her into Hospice of Northwest Ohio.  The facility was peaceful and beautiful. It is out in the woods and we would see deer outside and birds feeding at the feeders.  This is the second time I have had the experience of the services of Hospice for a death and I cannot say how wonderful the organization is for both the individual transitioning to the after life and for the families.

Our family had already planned a family gathering for the holidays the Sunday before Christmas.  We are so thankful we did in that many of the nieces and nephews from out of town and made the journey into town and everyone’s paths were crossing that day.  We were able to break sister T out of Hospice for a few hours and gather together with her one last time. The joy on her face when she held her great niece N was priceless.

I am thankful I was able to spend three full days last weekend at Hospice with sister T. I was able to hold her hand, talk to her and tell her how much I admired, loved her and that is was ok for her to leave us, sister B and I would be there for her children.  She knew I was there, I could see it in her eyes for a few minutes and she raised her hand for me to take which she had not had that big of a hand movement in days.  We both had tears in our eyes and I could tell she was also saying her last goodbye.  Reflection – No matter how hard it is to say the final goodbye, you must do so for both yourself and your loved one.  They need to know it is ok to move on and it is a regret you will never get to fix.

Sister T had many visitors over the last few weeks of her life.  Friends who had moved closer to our area made the journeys to town to spend time with her.  Many nieces and nephews made additional trips to town.  Reflection –  Often the millennial generation is characterized as being selfish, but I saw none of that in of these young adults.  They took time off of work and drove many hours to spend a few hours with their aunt T in Hospice.  A few of them even brought their significant others whom our family had never met.  That says a lot of about the people who our nieces and nephews are choosing, when their first interaction with our family is at Hospice with a dying family member.  They all took it in stride and we were very grateful they were their for the support.

Reflection – Death can be beautiful and usually the last gift given is the bringing together of family.  After experiencing my mother’s passing 4 1/2 years ago, I learned that death can actually be a beautiful part of life.  Often with it comes a sense of peace and knowledge that loved ones are watching over you.  Death also has the tendency to bring families together which can be the one last gift of the person leaving us.  When my mother passed, we had the visitation on my birthday, we had friends and family members together who hadn’t  been for years.  I reflected that night that was my mom’s last birthday gift to me, to bring everyone together.

After my sister’s passing Thursday night, God continued to have a hand in the timing of events. I traveled back up to Pburg the next day and spent it with my niece E and sister B. We were able to get all the arrangements made which matched sister T’s wishes and we also made arrangements which she had not planned but we knew she would enjoy.  A private memorial service with family, a gathering for food at PF Chang’s (one of her favorite restaurants and was her last meal with family), a community celebration of life in FL and granting her last wish of spreading her and her late husband’s ashes in the ocean in FL.  Reflection – Take time to discuss your wishes for the end of your life with a loved one and write them down to help guide them and honor your wishes.

So as we enter into this week of celebrations of my sister T’s life – please keep her kids, my family and all of her friends in your prayers.  A long battle has ended and it is time to rejoice in her life and the beautiful gifts she has given us in her children and touching our lives.

Obituary

GoFundMe to help her children pay for expenses

Hospice of Northwest Ohio Giving page

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